The Four Finch Girls: The hardest time of my life*

*Entries taken from my personal journal

Monday August 23, 2010 10:05 pm

I will never forget this day. Today after Rory had another CT scan the doctor came in and told us that the cancer has worsened and he doesn't think Rory would survive another round of chemo. I then asked him if there was anything else to do and he pretty much said no. I asked him what his time frame would be if I took him home and he said a few weeks.

Rory heard him say the chemo wasn't working and after the doctor left we both held each other and cryed. I told him that he was my eternal compainion and that I would never do anything to jepordize that and he made me swear that and I did. He will be mine in Heaven and he will be the Rory that I fell in love with. No more pain, no more hospitals, no more "crazy/loopy" talk.

I just have to figure out how to make the most of the time we have left and try to make it as easy on my kids as possable.

Friday August 27, 2010 9:30 pm

After some bitter sweet few days my best friend, and husband died this morning at 6:37. I held his hand as he drew his last breath. In the past few days he was only awake off and on and yesterday it was maybe for a few seconds a half a dozen times, but every time he was [awake] I assured him I love him and one time he told me "I love you more than you'll ever know" and I honestly believed him when he also said "I love you more than anyone has ever loved someone". I am so grateful he went peacefully and pain free.

I did really good being strong until 10 hours later when I was back at home and I had to tell the girls. They both took it pretty hard but Race is asking tough questions [like when will he be resurected] and wants to see his body. I thnk Ty will have a harder time as time goes by and she realizes that hes not coming back. I'm also grateful that all the girls got to see him on Wednsday which was a good day for him. They cuddled on the bed with him and kissed him when they left. [it was the last time they saw him alive]

Ty's the Daddys Girl

Race with her Daddy

Our last family photo together

I feel somewhat in a state of shock right now. I know some really bad days are still to come but I will try not to have two in a row.

I can not believe he is really gone. No more cancer, pain, sickness or discomfort. I know he is looking down on us and I'm glad we're sealed for eternity because he truely is my eternal companinon and I somewhat envy that he is in a better place and I'm left here with 3 small girls to pick up the pieces and go on with this life without him. I know he only changed my life for the better so I have to continue to live good to ensure he and I will be together again.

Saturday August 28, 2010 10:30 pm

It was exactly one year ago today that Rory was diagnosed with cancer, and today I made plans for his funeral.

Rock and Danika went with me to the funeral home and we finalized everything there. Then we went to Allen (Brownings) house to make the service programs and thehardest part came when we went to Luna to get his [Rory's] truck. We stopped at Bear Wallow for lunch and that was even harder. On the drive home I found his coat in the back seat and it made me cry.

Later this evening all the local Finch family and the Crowther family gathered at Wendys house to compile a family history. It was so smoth and nice even with both sides together that I mentioned hell must have froze over a few times. I can't imagine what Rory would say about everyone starting to finallly get along. Better late than never I guess.

Monday August 30, 2010 10:15 pm

Tonight was Rorys viewing and it was hard. Race wanted to see his body so I let her and I think it was good closure for her.

I am in a major state of numb and I honestly want to stay that way for a long long time

Tueday August 31, 2010 9:00 pm

Today I layed my best friend, lover, strength and husband to rest. Today was Rorys funeral. I was so comforted the whole day that I knew Rory was with me. I don't think I cryed at all during the service. It was really nice and had a huge turn out. Poor Race had a hard time at first but I think she saw me being strong and followed my lead. While we were at thr graveside I did tear up a little but on the way back home from Alpine I read the note Rory wrote (in the hospital last week) me for the 1st time and I lost it. For a short time I wasn't numb and I got a feel for just how hard life is going to be for me. I always hoped Rory was the man to grow old with me and now here I am 27 and with 3 young girls without my beloved husband. I know Heavenly Father needs him more but its just hard to believe that He needs him more than those of us he left behind. I do feel the love and support from so many and I know thats what will get me by all the hard times to come. Even in a time like now I can't help but feel blessed.